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O blog do Fi

um português em Berlim

O blog do Fi

um português em Berlim

La tranquilitá! (why I fell in love with Italia #3).

Filipe B., 12.07.16
Photo taken by a kid in the Center where I'm a volunteer. 

FIRST: please play this song while you read. It is called "Salvation of Forli" (the city I live in, yes!). Listen. Grazie!

With thistext I'll be heading to some deep introspective master yoda sh*t, but Icouldn't care less.

As cheesyas it may sound, I found a new me doing my volunteer experience.

I have toconfess that first this was scaring me, because I started to feel somethingreally physical, like something new inside my chest whenever I thought about mylife here (like my Center, the kids, etc). I felt this kind of calming emptiness, of no turbulence. 

It soundscrazy. And probably I won't be able to explain it to someone who didn't lived it.

But I haveproofs. So I was feeling this tranquility, this inner peace, so strange to me,and I wasn't sure if this was showing up to other people around me. Of coursethat the people that I've met here (at work, at home) didn't knew me beforethis, so I wasn't expecting of them to notice something.

But then,after coming here to visit me, my mamma did the first comment on how differentI was... for something better.

However,the biggest change came (I felt it) after I wen to Portugal in March. Here I am in the cliché territory again, but it was like I was reborn with the Spring (time of rebirth and inspiration)! My sisterhad an accident at that time and she was really bad, she couldn't move, etc. And I decidedto stay there a bit more to be by her side. Stronger as she is, she recoveredfast and she did the very first step (again) when I was still there taking herhand.

And whileshe was still continuing to learn how to walk again (not only metaphorlyspeaking), she came to Italia to visit Roma and Firenze with me.

How is thisimportant to my experience here?

Let me tellyou something. I'm not religious. I wasn't. I still ain't. But during the lastmonths I came to the conclusion that I was being driven by a Force, somethingstrange that I couldn't explain. What I felt most was that I was beingprotected by... something. 

And in theend, in the last months of my Servizio Volontario, everything started to make sense.

When I tookmy sister to see the Duomo in Firenze I ended up in tears. Of joy, ofaccomplishing something that I truly wanted to do. This thing was booked way before she had the incident, and contrary to what everything was pointing us, there we were!

Then Icontinued on my experience, loving my work as a volunteer, loving theEducational Center, loving the kids, loving my trips around Italia.

LOVE became indeed a strong and powerful word that started to be my company everysingle day.

Then I hadto make a video to the It Gets Better Project, talking about how I sufferedbullying, how I survived it and how I could inspire young people to live through it (this project fights against homophobic bullying). Again... Howdoes it enter in my experience here?

Everything,inside and outside my Project here, became a part of my journey. I learnedthat. So, I did that video. And a friend, who is in Portugal, someone that Ihaven’t seen for more than a year, saw it and immediately commented with me: “Fi…you are so calm, so peaceful, so different”.

So… when Iread this I had the ultimate proof that this is something that is now veryvisible and not only some crazy thing that I imagined. It is so powerfulthat through a video that has nothing to do with my life here (directly) Ishowed everything that changed inside (and out) of me.

I neverfelt this. For real. I don’t want to write too much now, because it’s toodifficult trying not to seem arrogant saying this things. But try to thing about how is possible that in a video talking about suffering I managed to (without really wanting to) show so much inner peace?

But let mejust say that I found myself making peace with some details (and people) from mypast. Alone! In an ordinary day, while I was cooking my meal, I found myself thinkingabout something that had hurt me a long time ago, leaving me with anger, andhere I was thinking of how anger would not lead me anywhere. I came to the conclusion that some emotions can only do you damage (I knew this before, but not in this pratical way of LETTING GO!). So... Time anddistance. And this thing of being a volunteer, of working everyday with kidsthat need your positive energy, your care, your friendship. It’s the answer. Working with people that have bigger problems than you. I think, yes, that is a strong answer to everything! And of course, learning how to live with so much little (money, let's say) also changes your way of viewing everything. 

I told you.This is some deep thing that is not easy to express. But I found myself being able to completely relax in my moments alone, I learned how to love the silence; even when I got lost in Slovenia or when a man tried to pickpocket me in broad daylight here in Italia. There I was... so serene. So strange, let me tell you! But so not worried.

So I willend this text with only two more things.

First, theway Italians work (not only in my Center, because I talked about this withother volunteers, from other cities, etc)… well it is a really relaxed way.Comparing to the stressful work I was doing in Portugal, this is amazing.Really amazing to see, believe me! We used to joke that in our countries theymake you work for 3 persons while in Italia they make 3 persons do the work of1. This way of doing things, of facing problems, was a true inspiring thing that led me to this state of…tranquilità. No doubts! 

Second. Ithappened today. I’m kind of in charge of a really troubled kid right now. Ican’t give so much detail. But he’s not easy. Sometimes he can be violent.Today he was entering in one of that crisis, starting to trouble everyonearound. So I just did my part, not knowing at all what I was supposed to do,but I searched in my heart. Because yes!   And so I told him “Look… in less than 1 month, I’mgoing to Portugal, and seeing you like this isn’t a memory that I want to takewith me”.

He startedcrying. He started talking. Truthfully talking about what he didn’t like about beingthere, etc, etc. The point is: I have no formation to be a professional in thesethings. I have only the experience. I tried. It worked.  In the end I know that he will continue to beproblematic, that tomorrow we will have more work to do. But today it made myday. It made him, at least, being able to express himself.

We continuedtalking, really peaceful, relaxed, so close to each other (in terms ofspeaking), that one of the other kids came to me and out of nowhere asked:

“Is he yourbrother?” (I guess that our 'friendship' was showing)

And I justsaid “Nooooo, lucky me!”. And we laughedtogether. And I did it, I made him laugh. 

For a second he was smilling kindly.
 And this is one of the memories that I will want to remember after I go home. Through all my life, in moments of sadness (because they happen), I will have this piece of heartful memory to keep me moving forward.

After all of this, I can only feel peace, serenity and harmony deep inside. And this is the simple answer to so many questions. 

The Jedi Code.